I guess I believe in miracles and tarot

what a strange day so far

I finally started to sit down to study in the morning. As this afternoon I am doing Christmas shopping. Food! And this evening I am GMing Star Trek with friends.

I had taken in about 8 pages of my summary about personality psychology when my computer died on me. Needless to say it freaked me out. Then I found out nothing was working. Okay, finally we got everything working again. Can't explain what those little white things you put into the electricity thingy to make it work again are called. [stoppen for the Dutch people] computer works, Internet doesn't. Panic again.

I called the friend who installed everything for me and after a while he thinks my ADSL router might be fried. Now I really start to panic, I imagine myself lonely for the rest of the year. No Christmas story to write with friends over Christmas. No online friends to communicate with arrrrrgggghhhh

so calling the helpdesk. After 20 minutes, expensive 20 minutes waiting they are able to help me reset the damn thing.

then the job specialist calls me and as she was me that I will keep 100 percent of my disability money. I am very very happy. They also want to give me the chance to finish my education. This means I could start looking for work probably volunteer work first at my own pace. And have some job experience before I lose my money. When my eyes stabilises I should be able to do something again.

needless to say I didn't do much studying for the rest of the morning. Maybe tomorrow?

and thank you again mell. The tarot reading you did for me in Glastonbury was spot-on.

D-Day

Today was the day I had to meet the 'arbeidsdeskundige' [jobspecialist] I was very nervous this morning woke up with a terrible headache. The town I had to go to isn't that far away but it is not the easiest of journeys so I left early enough in case of train problems :)

This time it was a woman and straight away she seemed nice. First she started explaining the system and making me even more nervous. I just wanted to know what was happening!!!! Then we talked about my former job and my studies. And then about all the psysical things I have problems with performing. Again she seemed very sympathetic.

She told me that the first doctor had written down that I would definately not be able to work fulltime. At this point normally they search in the computer for jobs you are still able to perform. But.... this morning the computer was down.... aaaarrrrrggggghhhh

So bottom line. I am still not certain. However... although she said that she could not guarentee it. She was 95% certain that with my disablities the computer will not be able to come up with jobs I can do. And she will call me before christmas to tell me the results.

Still waiting, still a bit nervous, but at least I know for sure that I will not lose all my money and there is a strong posibility that I will keep all. I am sure that all the people sending good thoughts my way this morning have helped.

I will keep you all posted.

my weekend

the weekend wasn't so bad. The nerves are coming, so today I am only going to do fun things. Don't think I could concentrate on work.

The birthday party yesterday was small, but cosy. Actually I prefer them to the bigger parties where you hardly get to talk with anybody. I only like partiesany way when I know everybody well. I hate going to a birthday party where I only know the one who's birthday it is. Those can turn out nice, but they can also be a total disaster.

Anyways, if you are reading this end you are awake half past 11 standard European time tomorrow morning keep your fingers crossed for me that the results will not be too bad. Although I am an atheist I will accept your prayers as well

I will keep everybody posted.

dark morning

I find this a dark morning in more ways than one.

it is very close to the shortest day of the year. And now at 10 o'clock in the morning you can hardly call it light outside. It looks beautiful as it is snowing and everybody has the Christmas lights on.

and it is a dark morning because I heard one of my favour actors died yesterday. John Spencer who played Leo McGarry in west wing. He was one of the persons who carried the show. I don't know if they finished shooting the season, but he will be missed. Somebody dying too young is always sad. But so close to Christmas must be even more difficult for family and friends.

I am not that nervous yet for Tuesday, I guess it will come.

Today I will clean my room and put the Christmas decorations up myself this weekend. I always like it when they are up. But doing it is very intensive for me on the arms.

Kaarsjesavond Gouda [Candlenight]

last night was the traditional Christmas candle night in my home town. Usually I don't go. But last night I was visiting a friend who lives in the town centre, and I needed some distraction :) besides I thought it would be a good idea to take some pictures for my friends. Although it is difficult in the dark.

It takes place on the medieval City Square. Around the eldest Gothic town hall in the Netherlands. All shops have to put out there electric lighting and only use candles. The same for the City Hall. I believe me there is a person behind all of these windows watching!!!

last night the Queen was there because it was the 50th time. People sing carols, and at the end of the evening the Christmas tree is lighted. the surrounding streets also have their lights out and candles put in. I used to work in the bookshop, and I remember sitting behind the candles one evening.

very impressing as well as the 'hofje'it's a medieval nursing home. Old men were allowed to live out their last years there. Now it is very sought-after living space in the city centre. last night you could visit their Square and see the Christmas decorations. Very impressive.

I did not succeed uploading more than one picture here. So here is the link to go and see all my pictures I took last night.

http://uk.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/miekehaveman/album?.dir=%2Fc475&.src=ph

how do I feel?

first of all I feel pretty distracted. I just caught myself before pouring tea on my coaster instead of in my cup :)

first this morning, visit to the eye surgeon, another checkup. My eye has not gotten any better. Again and assurance its normal. Because it was the second laser surgery on that eye, it will take much longer to heal. There is still scar tissue on the eye.

secondly the letter from UVW came today, after four weeks! Next Tuesday I have to visit the job specialist. And that person is ultimately going to decide if I keep any disability money or none. The fact that I have to go means I will not keep my complete money. And I would not surprised if I lost all.

because it took them four weeks I think they checked with my therapists. Not seeing any at the moment, but when I finished in Rotterdam I was pretty optimistic about being able to work. That was before the whole trouble with my feet, knee and eye. that has cost me so much stress and energy that my arms are worse off and my energy level is pretty low. I honestly don't see myself being able to work right now.

If I lose my disability money I will probably get unemployment money for about a year. But I will have to do actively try to find a job, and I cannot tell them I am disabled, or they will not pay me. When that is over, I will get no money at all. Because I live above my parents but don't have my own front door, they will not pay me anymore then. And it scares me. If I won't be able to find a job in a years time, it means I am still not able to work. So what do I do then?

Right now I try not to think about it. Not just before Christmas. Is going to be great fun them telling me four days before Christmas :(

Star Trek and other things

first if there are people using this who can give me some advice. I am pretty new to blog. I have found out how to post photos. But not how to get it on my main site. Also I guess here you cannot make a list of friends, and keep updated when they write something. Or have them know when I have written something.

on to Star Trek. I GMed my first short session in a long time yesterday. And I enjoyed it again. It is nothing like the television series. Basically my friends and I have designed our own little world and characters, it just takes placein the Star Trek universe. At the moment we are playing at Starbase 10. And of course we didn't get it finished in one go.

Basically there has been a kidnap, of a baby. This baby is the child of two very gifted human empaths. my players now have to figure out who kidnapped her, why exactly and how to get her back.

If all goes well, we will play again soon.

so tbc...

 

Overstatement of the year. Okay I feel a bit funny hehehehe

But waited there for ten minutes before they could find a bed. [ in case I fainted. Yup makes you feel really good]

Finally I am sitting on the bed. And the doctor said she is going to give me a sedative first and that might hurt a bit. Right she is done, doesn't hurt much and I am waiting for the big needle. Turns out that is it!!!!! And because I didn't faint I could walk out of there that minute!!!

Why do they scare people beforehand!!!!! Like I said I feel a bit funny but nothing serious.

I hate hospitals, hehehehehe

Nearly there

Leaving in half an hour now. Nervous yes. Not because of the pain, hell I live with pain every single day. No, I am afraid of not being in control. Not knowing what is going to happen, how I will react. And if I can relax during the procedure. Relaxing is very difficult for me and it is often a problem during procedures. I try to tell doctors it is a problem and that it helps if we do things at my pace, but they seldom listen. It is the problem I have with my eye surgeon at the moment. He just will not listen.

Well whatever happens I have promished myself a homework free day and if I am up to it I can do fun things this afternoon. Like watching downloaded lost episodes. Hehehehehe.

And get ready for GMing tomorrow. It's been nearly a year since I did tabletop GMing and I am looking forward to it.

Going to turn in early I guess tonight. Still not know exactly what they are going to do tomorrow. They will paralyze one of the nerves in my neck for a few weeks/months and that should help with the pain.

No idea if it will be painfull. They told me I might have to stay for up to an hour afterwards because I might feel sick. Right....

So don't know how I will feel when I get home and if I will be in a mood to be on the puter. I will try because writing is still THE way for me to deal with stress.

It's been 22 days now since my doctor's check-up about the disability money and still no news. I called the trade union yesterday for advice and they haven't got back to me either. Sigh.

At least going to GM Star Trek saturday and already in the mood to torture my players. hehehehe Keep looking on the bright side of life.

M

My first one

My first blog. I hope I will be able to keep this up. Due to my RSI writing is still difficult for me. But it is important for me to air my feelings on paper once in a while. So I have started one after all :)


And right now I need to write to keep my nerves at bay. Still haven't heard anything about the decision to axe my disability money. And friday I will have a new procedure done to help with the RSI. It involves sticking a needle in my neck. Not fond of needles. And they will do it in an OR. I wish I could still run away. Hehehehe.